Week 6 - a taste of taz

Well Swansea is behind us. Hobart ahead. And unlimited fun to be had in between! Lynne was a lovely host and gave me her email address to keep in touch. In fact I got a lady called Sue's email dts too. So I ain't done too bad there. Thursday we checked into our hostel. Nice and cosy, big tv in the lounge, Internet, kitchen, carpet, comfy arm chairs everywhere and the only grumpy Aussie lass I have met so far, who happens to be in my room! But that's enough about shithead sheilas......moving on.

First nights in hostel dorm's are a nightmare for me, as I can never sleep properly. So whilst listening to the symphonies of snooze....hushed voices in the corridor, grinding teeth, random farts (and that's not just me) and shuffling duvets. I lye there, mind racing, frequent pillow turning and staring at the ceiling. My thoughts began to reflect on my journey so far.

First up, what on earth was I thinking drinking (and this was confirmed by Lucy)..4 litres of wine on Xmas day! Didn't realise a box was that big. Jesus I'm gonna have to eat some grass or do some crazy health shit like that, otherwise my liver is in serious danger of exploding. I know Simon thinks I've got a death wish but I'd rather not go out like that thanks!

Secondly, having been to the hairdresser recently I'm beginning to believe my particular hairdresser was trained at the Mr Miyagi school of trimming as she has gone totally bonsai on me! The usual highlights done, she then (absent mindedly chatting to Simon), proceeded to hack my hair to fatal proportions!

Well you'll see it soon enough and to be honest its quite funny....and short.

Thirdely...um..actually...not sure there is a thirdly? Oh yeah...there is...the reflection bit.

On days when I'm feeling a bit deflated, tired or disappointed over something going wrong or musing over an opportunity missed or impatient on things not being as fast and furious as I'd like....I sit back and remember why I left to travel in the first place. The richness and diversity of life and its challenges always keeps me hyped and hungry for more. Meeting people and walking this beautiful planet of ours is a privilege and one not to be sniffed at! So no gift horses (or kangaroos) will be looked in the mouth and I will keep loyal to my mantra.....if you're not moving..you're not living!

"Tidy like"

I was after something totally removed from what I was used to back home.....and I wasn't disappointed.....well not altogether anyway. Breakfast for Simon was cereal, breakfast for me was 2 glasses of wine. Then straight over to the tavern (didn't get up till almost lunchtime you see) and sat down to a hot turkey buffet. Food was nice unfortunately the atmos was somewhat lacking in festive cheer. I'm not a massive fan of Xmas but I know how to have a good time regardless of the reason. The residents of Swansea obviously don't. So with no sign of any debauchery, fun, frolics or complete drunken madness we went back to our cells and subjected ourselves to what can only be described as utter shite on the box. Nice to see some things remain traditional. Its not all bad, lying down, pigging out, getting pissed and not speaking to anyone (even Simon) is actually pretty cool. I've not made this much non-effort in a long time. Plus I've got to know Lynne a bit better. She has been telling me about a biker gang she has staying at the lodge after crimbo. Their either called Satan's Riders or The Devils Henchmen? They sound interesting, I thought.

Lynne is a lovely if not nervous lady and whilst explaining her concerns over such a large group to look after I began to wonder if she was gonna ask me to stay for moral support! I soon backed out of that conversation when she started mentioning sexual violence and broken windows!

So half way through my box of wine we indulged in some festive cheer of our own. Music up, nuts cracked and a few games of pool.....what more do you need. Unfortunately our fun was short lived as Lynne didn't take too kindly to us leaving crumbs everywhere, singing at the top of our voices, playing badminton with the monkey nuts and cursing our crappy pool playing. So we packed up and took the party onto the beach instead. This is where I need Simon to prompt me as I don't actually recall alot after that. I remember speaking or slurring to my mum on the phone, taking a few tumbles arse over tit into the surf (woke up with sand in my mouth and ears) and seeing a magnificent orange moon come up over the western horizon. Actually to be honest, I saw two moons that night. Due to my inebriated state I started to believe I was Luke sky walker perched on a sand dune staring out at two moons from tatoinne..... but no ......as Simon pointed out .....it was just the drunken double vision messing with your head man!

So crimbo was indeed partially removed what I've always been used to back home. The lack of memory in the morning is my usual yard stick for a good night....so Swansea didn't disappoint there.

still Week 5 - 'A Devil of a Xmas'

It was our last day in Mildura on Wednesday and after saying our sad goodbyes, catching a coach, train, plane and a Hyundai Assent, we found ourselves in the coastal town of Swansea! Yes, we finally had enough and got our sorry arses back home!

Ah, no not really. Only joking! We are infact in Tazy for Christmas. A small island just out of arms reach of Melbourne but still within distance enough to remain Australian. Took us about an hour to get here via Quantas.

We booked The Swansea Backpackers Lodge from 20th - 27th December. However not all has been tinsel and turkey, once again the foundations of our best laid plans soon began to collapse when Swansea and the Lodge, failed to deliver the goods we were hoping for.

The lodge was brand new, well equipped, immaculately clean and bloody empty. So much so that I fear Lynne our 'lady in charge' will not exactly have far to look when routing out suspects to 'crumb crimes' in the lounge.

And what of Swansea. Well a place of vast natural beauty hosting panoramic views of turquoise lagoons, soft sandy beaches, towering mountains, a wide variety of indigenous wildlife, breathtaking sunsets, wide open roads and absolutely no bugger about!

Ok, ok, I'm exaggerating a little there, there were some signs of life.

In fact the town is literally perfect, for 'the faint hearted' that is. Folk no younger than 50, a tavern that calls time at 9, 1 garage, 1 supermarket and 1 hairdresser. So, if I were about 30 years older and had limited mileage in the old ticker, Swansea would have been my haven. But I'm not and my appetite for adventure, fun and those illusive creatures called 'humans' was enough for me to call time on The Swansea Backpackers Lodge and get back to civilisation. To be honest I should have realised something was up when we were told the owners had already pissed off for xmas and Lynne said "There's nothing much really to do here" and "All the backpackers left yesterday". If that wasn't bad enough she added "I think we have two other people staying, but I'm not sure" and "No we're not doing anything for the guests over xmas". On hearing this Simon sort of created a smile/grimace hybrid into his magazine and I started enquiring about refunds.

Soon after this unsettling news we both went for a little drive further up the coast, just to see what else we could get. You see, I couldn't rest in that deserted lodge any longer and before clinical depression set in I had to know what else was out there! Long story short, nothing apart from dead kangaroos and fully booked camp sites. We did catch a beautiful sunset though. A landscape of trees silhouetted against that majestic sky of scarlet, fuscia and coral was the most welcome back drop to lift our deflated souls.

Yes, my impatience led us to bombing it round taz at a rather late hour. Totally pissing Simon off as he didn't really wanna go but wouldn't let me go alone, (cheeky sod), plus he almost threw up (something to do with a pizza and the speedometer apparently)?

Well having said all that and as the refund was not forthcoming, we made our own fun and started going way over our mileage allocation by taking a couple of trips to Launceston (second city, lots of shops and bars, friendly folk and free Internet in the library). Coles Bay ( lighthouse, beach, friendly wildlife). Maria island (national park, ferry crossing, beautiful walks, no shops, incredibly tame wildlife). I feel I must admit here that my description of Maria Island is based on local opinion and not my personal experience, as on the morning of our decided trip to the island, I remember waking up bleary eyed and shouting over to Simon...

"Fuck, we've missed the boat....it left four minutes
ago!

Ferry left at 9am, my alarm was launched at 7.15am...say no more.

But not all was lost and having resigned ourselves to spending crimbo with only a howling wind and a howling dog to keep us company, we proceeded to stock up the fridge and book ourselves a seat at the tavern for a xmas buffet however that was only after Simon made sure 'buffet' meant eat as much as you want...two words...bottomless pit!

Week 5 - "Kelly, all the wine's gone"!

Tuesday, our last night with Lucy and Rob. Spent a large part of the day recovering from Mondays festivities and then went out again for more farewell cheer and an Indian on Tuesday night. We did get our appetites raging though with a little dirt biking before dinner. I loved it and was only disappointed that I was too short to ride the bike (or lift it) myself. Rob did well though and made sure I got the ride of my life (and possibly death). He in return got swollen ear drums and some very unusual fingernail marks across his abdomen.

Oh, and Simon almost went bollocks over bonce into a field. Bloody good laugh all round!

Melbourne's Yarra River

A bit harsh I thought, considering its next to phone box!

"I knew I should'nt have had those flaming sambukas"!

Week 4 - “I think you’ve lost your head”

Better carry on as I left off, which I believe was Monday of last week, no job and a multi coloured dog. Well, by Monday night I had decided that sitting on my arse and dyeing dogs was getting a bit boring and so I booked myself a ticket to Melbourne for a few days of rest (yeah like I need it) and to catch up with Simon.

I didn’t really get the best of starts as I had unwittingly booked into some sort of 18-30’s, 24 hour shagathon, that got progressively closer and closer to my room and then to my bed. The ultimate in annoying bastards if ever I saw it! Don’t get me wrong I’m all for sex drugs and rock and roll, just not dancing along my bed frame till 5.30am!

Anyway survived the night (just), grabbed my backpack and got the hell out of there. Found another place easily enough and enjoyed Melbourne safe in the knowledge that I actually remembered it, not spent most of my trip zombie'd out from lack of sleep. To be honest when I arrived in Melbourne it seemed like any other major city Ive been to. Plenty of shops, people, noise, cars, fumes, buskers and trams. However for a moment I thought id got off the train in Hong Kong as it is definitely a case of “Spot the Aussie”. The city has a very large population of Oriental residents, and it would appear that sushi has been adopted as the new national dish. Anyway escaped the bustle for a little bit and went to the zoo and aquarium, usual suspects to be found in both places. Especially liked the scuba divers who had the enviable task of feeding the sharks and sting rays. (Sorry, no photos as my camera battery ran out) Bugger! Also walked into a street party for Honnika which was interesting, especially when Simon and I noticed an extremely funny Chinese guy dancing like a nutter, whilst trying to wrap himself round some unfortunate woman, who attempted with little success to calm his acrobatics down, just enough to escape.

What I can remember of the rest of the week from my wine overdosed brain, is coming last in crazy golf, go-karting and the annoying card game called shit head. So there you go, I’m officially a loser, but a happy one.

Friday, went out (again). Missed out Saturday. Surfaced again Sunday where we went for some stubbies and wine in the Sandbar. At this point, I feel I must explain. Sunday was meant to be an alcohol free day of fun and games. Go-karting being the first. However after racing round the track at breakneck (as in ‘break ur neck’) speeds, having our bodies crunched and thrown all over the place, attempting illegal 180’s and 360’s on the course whilst having to where cringe worthy hairnets and someone else’s sweaty spare trainers, we were all pretty shaken up and hysterical with laughter. But the real clincher for me, that sent me over the edge of my usually solid nerves and straight to the bar, was my almost decapitation via Simon’s go-kart crashing into the back of mine at an alarming speed. He hit me so hard that my helmet and sunglasses flew off my head, over Simon’s head and somewhere on a grass verge. As you can imagine it was a fantastic sight and I’m sure the guy in charge (who subsequently retrieved my helmet and sunnies and whilst smiling said “I think you’ve lost your head”) had never seen the likes of before.

So another bizarre end to my week, never knowing what each day has in store for me or knowing who Im gonna meet or where Im gonna be is deliciously addictive, so much so that I will find it extremely difficult to go back to a normal life again.

Monday morning

The weekend didnt really go as planned. Lucy and i didnt actually make it for our first shift in Dominos as we were totally hungover. (went out saturday night for a 'Taylor' xmas dinner for the girls and then dragged them onto O'Malleys for shots and wine) not the best combination i hear you say and you'd be right. Anyway Lucy rang Dominos and explained that we couldnt make it "Something came up"! Too bloody right it did, most of last nights 'battered shark' and 2 buckets of booze! We did use our free time productively though and decided to dye the dog 'spike' green and red for xmas. Dont go ringing the RSPCA just yet, we used food dye and made sure spike was all nice and happy and safe. He didnt look too impressed with us though and Ellie (the other dog) looked on incredulously, not really sure what had happened to her friend. Im sure in doggy language they were cursing us and probably plotting thier revenge very soon. So once again I am unemployed, I think it suits me!

Week 3 - “gis a job”

Lucy and I have been very productive. After the extremely entertaining fiasco of last week we have both managed to secure ourselves very respectful jobs at “Wait for it - Dominos"! “Yeah”, I hear you all shout. “What a brilliant career move”. No I haven’t lost my head and the wine hasn’t totally driven me to madness, (well maybe a little, but that’s only because I’ve been breathing and eating the pesticide crap they spray on the vines) “Sorry, off on a (I hate vines) tangent there”. In-fact Lucy and I feel very liberated. Not on the bread line (yet) we thought a nice, easy, air conditioned job, out of the sun, out of the heat, away from flies and dust would be perfect for the festive season. Between us we have more than enough skills, experience, education and bullshitting to deliver pizzas for a couple of hours a day. Plus when we saw the mopeds outside we just had to apply! It was either that or dress up as elves. Which we did seriously consider, seeing as we were high on sun, wine, laughter and p45’s.

Simon has done a bunk and taken a coach to Adelaide for 5 days. Funnily enough he ain’t too hot on the idea of riding round a city he hardly knows, trying to deliver a pizza before it gets frost bite. So for the first time the original three have been separated. I have been entrusted with the company land cruiser (cool) and have been tearing up the outback trying my hardest to get lost and have some handsome, tanned Aussie rescue me. Lucy went to Melbourne for a few days and forced her credit card into melt down and Rob has been leaving for work at 5.30am each morning (the crazy loon)!

I tried to book myself in for a much needed haircut (at the cheapest salon I could find of course), however there was some sort of glitzy ball or something on, Friday night, so no room for the likes of me.

Simon and I opened bank accounts in the Commonwealth Bank. Apparently they are one of the biggest and well ‘common’ banks in Australia. We have had our first (and only) pay for our time served in the vines and will utilize it wisely, I’m sure.

Week 2 - down under (the vines)!

Full of beans or should I say ‘seeds’ and raring to go, Tuesday we set out at 5.30am for our new job title of vine training. Basically we wind the vines of the grape trees onto the lines of wire so that they don’t get damaged or come away in bad weather (yeah believe it or not they do experience some degree of bad weather here)! Anyway that was fun and really easy, (when you were'nt catapolting grapes into the air by accident). We also had kangaroos bouncing around us for company,(hopefully i didnt knock one on the head)! The guys we were working with were cool and the weather wasn’t melting my skin off. So we did that for a couple of days and then had Thursday off as there was a storm the night before and the vines were drenched, which would have meant us getting drenched (especially me) as I’m quite vertically challenged, once I get into the vine I’m almost lost forever! Add to that, my ipod blasting the boring hours away, it did take a couple of good screams to get my attention. But other than that I was quite happy rummaging through vines and kicking back to ‘welcome to the jungle’.

That’s where the week began to take a turn for the worse, (or the better) depending which way you look at it. We started work at 6.am on Friday morning ready for another day of rummaging, however about half hour in, we were stopped and told to start a different job, leaf plucking. Easy we thought, well until they said we were gonna get a ‘contract’ rate instead of hourly rate. This basically means you have to work fast and hard all day for peanuts and not have any guarantee of what you may earn at the end of the week.

On that vine tree, we walked!

So that was the end of that. An interesting, short lived experience, which we enjoyed and haven’t regretted. A Welsh mutiny ended it and we are proud of ourselves for not bowing to slave labor!!

Right, ill get off my morally high horse and move on.

To celebrate our new found freedom Lucy and I went out on Friday afternoon and started looking for a job and had some wine. Not necessarily in that order!
That night Simon and I decided to paint the town green and have some more wine. Nothing like getting hammered when you have something to get hammered about (not that I need an excuse).

Monday, still waiting to hear about potential jobs we decided to buy an inflatable dingy, rubber ring and water pistols! Just what we needed to release the tension of the last day’s events. Had a cool time down the Murray River, couple more bottles of wine thrown in and we were well over it! (Yes, there is a pattern forming here including vines and wines), but seeing as I’d had a small hand in cultivating the extremely tasty grape I felt I should at least have said my goodbyes sipping my efforts.